In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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