I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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