We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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