Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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