I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
