I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
