i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
