Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
