Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
