K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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