I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
