Your dad touched me again.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
