When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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