Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He felt like a one man threesome
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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