If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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