If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
