she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
