My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I need to align my fucking chakras
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
