Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
this boner is exhausting
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
