He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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