Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
