Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
