I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
we made out on top of his cat.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
