Too much gin, very little bucket
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
