i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we're making bets on your personal life
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
