So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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