You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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