The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
