Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
