i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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