Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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