dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
