how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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