he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
