i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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