mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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