if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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