Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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