ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
