i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
