if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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