I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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