I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize