All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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