Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
