aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
