So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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