No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
