Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
