The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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