The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
farters have to be the big spoon...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
