I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
