I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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