I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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