Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Who wears a wallet chain?!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
