shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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