I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
