i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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